Rettaching a broken heart
by ImDiffrentSoWhat
Summary: Edward has come back. But While Bella went out to have lunch with her dad, Edward finds somthing that tears his world apart.
1. Journal

I sat holding Bella on her bed. I loved this woman. So much. What a fool I had been to think I could ever live without her. She still didn't look like the old her, she was still more pale then she used to be, and far too thin. But each day there was more color in her cheeks, and I had gone about getting her to gain enough wait for her to be healthy. I gently kissed her forehead, oh how I missed her. Just sitting here holding her was enough for me. Bella's stomach growled, it was so low had I been human I wouldn't of heard it. But she defiantly could feel it and that beautiful blush of hers came out. She knew that I could hear it.

"Bella, love. As much as I hate to have to let go of you, you need to eat. Your father wanted to have lunch with you at the diner, remember? It's about time you go. Remind me to get on Charlie's good graces again before I lose it from having to let you go so much." I kissed her mouth before she could protest.

If I loved her one smidge less then I did, I would push her against the bed right now. I would kiss her the way I had wanted to from the very first kiss. I would bite her and she'd be mine for eternity, all mine. She had no idea of how much I wanted her. But I did love her, so I pulled away. Even though I honestly didn't want to.

"Hurry back to me, love."

"Always." She smiled at me, oh how I loved that smile of hers. She always accuses me of dazzling her. If only she knew of her effects on me. And that silent promise rested me, she'd be back.

"You don't mind if I stay here, do you?"

"Not a problem Edward. Make yourself at home. I'll be back soon. I love you."

"And I you."

She was gone far faster then I would have liked. But in truth I would have preferred if she didn't even come close to leaving in the first place. My eyes drew to her book case. A thing she said she had bought at a garage sell down in Seattle. It wasn't here before I left but now it was, her love of books was always there, but I didn't mind that.

I know that I don't have any problem with the bookcase. I think it is terrific that Bella has a place to put all of her books, I have a problem with her new friend. Jacob Black. There are some times I truly loath being a mind reader. Strange that the only time is when Bella is within the sights of another man. I don't mean my brothers or father, that would be gross, and disturbing, and impossible for that matter also. I mean like the children who go to our school. Erik, and Tyler, and I thought the worse had been Mike Newton. I was wrong. Jacob Black is worse by far. If only there was a way to see Bella's thoughts. It not that I didn't trust her, I knew she didn't want anyone but me. But I couldn't help but want to see what she sees in me. She seems to not look on the surface, but farther in. she sees the true beauty of everything. Oh how I love her.

Just as I turned I saw it, a thick black book. It was new, yet it looked tattered and dog-eared. Strangely it was put in such a way that was meant to hide, even with my superior vampire sense of sight I wouldn't of noticed it if I hadn't turned at the precise angle. I gently picked it up and opened it to the first page. There in Bella's hand righting it said:

_I want to die…_

I immediately shut the book, this was her journal. I cant read it, I must respect her and give her privacy. Yet, I have to know what I did to her, I understand how I felt. But did I ever truly grasp her feelings? I will read it, not stop at all, she will forgive me. If she was saying she wanted to die, as her love I must find out and protect her. Her protection is my only reason to live. Funny how I once asked her that if you can live forever what do you live for, now I've found it, I live for Bella, and I will keep her safe. I know my mistake, I had wanted to keep her safe physically, I had not even concerned mentally, now I had.

_I want to die…I cant go on. Why? Why would he do this? He told me he loved me. He told me I was his life. I guess he lied. I guess it was my fault, I trusted him so completely. He told me don't trust him. I did however, I trusted him. I gave him everything. My heart was his, my life, my soul. I wish his family would have said goodbye. I wonder if any of the Cullen family ever even liked me._

_I wish I could kill myself but how? I don't want to leave a mess for anyone. Maybe I could slit my wrists in the bathtub? Then they'd only have to run water, easy. No one would miss me, sure Charlie and Renee would be sad. Renee has Phil, someone to look after her. Charlie seemed fine before I came along, he'll be okay after I'm dead._

_The problem is that I cant stop it. It's the dead of winter, and I leave my window open. If he were to ever come back, I know he wont but still, I wouldn't want him to think he wasn't welcome. I know he doesn't want me, it never made sense for him to love me, ever. So the point is moot. I'm alone, I know that. I know I'm all alone. Honestly were I to be honest to myself I take comfort in the bitter cold. I can almost pretend that I feel his arms around me, like he did once. Memories, that's all I have left of the only part of my life worth living, memories. That's what keeps me from suicide, so I can spend years remembering him, and what it was liked to be wanted by him. And for those few brief seconds I don't feel the hole in my heart ripping tearing and burning. Even though after the few blissful seconds I remember it's not him. It was never him really, the one I feel in love with was the real Edward, the part of him that loved me was the part that handled the scent, it was my scent that's all I could ever give him. It was never him holding me, and I always realize that when I pretend he is. It's not him holding me, its just the cold air. And the pain I feel is intensified but anything is worth those few seconds of forgetting that he's gone._

_The only other way is from adrenalin. The rush of danger allows me to see him. Really see him, not messed up by my weak human memory, but completely perfect. I don't see him completely, if I did I would be going down alleys and looking for trouble, I only hear his voice. Always perfect, and trying to protect me. And it hurts the least of all._

_I don't hate Edward. He has every right to leave, and I only want him to be happy. That's the only thing that means anything. The only small good thing in my life. Somewhere Edward exists. Sure he's having the time of his life while I'm in this small rainy town, and I'm just a memory. A memory that will never be thought of again. But he's happy, that all that matters. that's the only thing that keeps me going. I wish he would of just killed me, or let James kill me in Phoenix. It would have been so much better. I would of died thinking he loved me. Utter bliss. And the thing is I am so screwed up. Even though I feel this hole in my chest ripping and burning me, I'm still happy that I met him. I will gladly live my life with this pain rather then have never of met him. I love him, no matter what pain I have suffered, I love him._

My hands were shaking. My sweet Bella. My sweet, innocent Bella. What had I done?


	2. Finding out why your broken

I must go to her. I must apologize properly, I had never imagined the pain she went threw. I was a monster, but I couldn't leave this angle. She is _mine, _mine and mine alone. I will apologize I will spend eternity making it up to her. But before I could I heard her bedroom door open. Turning I saw her, smiling happily. How can she hide this pain? How could I have overlooked it?

"Bella, could you tell me something?"

"Sure." Bella smiled at me, completely trusting.

"Are you alright?"

"Yes."

"Bella, I know you aren't. I'm sorry but I read your journal." I held up her journal and her eyes widened. Her face had gone milky white, I hope she wont get sick.

"you….read…my…….journal?" Bella's voice was almost completely denying and tears were streaming down her cheeks. "Why? Why would you do that?"

"I didn't mean to, love, I just kind of happened upon it. And I didn't realize it was your journal until I opened it up, I thought it was just a ordinary book. I would of closed it, put it away and stayed far away giving you your privacy. But the only four words I read till I figured it was yours were the words 'I want to die'. Care to explain?" I start to glare, I know I'm in the wrong. Bella was contemplating suicide though, why. I had told her spicily not to do anything reckless while I was away, and she wanted to kill herself. How do I know that she wasn't trying to kill herself when she did jump off the cliff or even the motorbikes?

"Why should I explain? I cant believe you Edward, you read my journal! Do you have any idea of how much trust you just broke!?" Bella asked me, the words she said seemed like they should be yelled. Yet with them being quietly whispered, it was so much worse.

"Love, you were contemplating suicide. I hardly think that the way I got to this knowledge is very important at this moment. Were you trying to kill yourself?" I asked, becoming more disgusted in myself with each passing second.

"How much did you read?" Bella asked in that quiet whisper that her voice seemed to be stuck on.

"All of it." I sighed, this wasn't the point.

"Then you should know, I wanted to die, but I wouldn't kill myself. That would have been too easy, and when has my life ever been easy?" Bella asked, I must of looked confused because she continued on. "Would you like to know what my whole life is like, Edward?" I was caught in slow motion, vampires are supposed to be above shock, but obviously Bella was a enigma in every sense.

"You see Edward, Renee got pregnant with me in senior year, only a month left of it. Charlie proposed, cause that's what you do when you get a girl pregnant, you marry her." Bella walked past me and sat on her bed, flopping to a laying position. I hesitantly walked over and carefully crawled beside her. She stared at the ceiling, seeing things I couldn't see. I'm not sure me seeing them would be the best thing right now.

"Renee, ever being the flake, refused to listen to anything the doctor said. Their were a bunch of complications, I got checked a lot when I was younger at five they were able to tell I wasn't permanently affected. Their was just a chance they could of lost me during the term and delivery, the c-section saved my life." I gasped as she said this, my sweet Bella had been so close to not making it past birth, and from the way she talked because her mother didn't feel like listening to a doctor. I knew a little about her mother's mind from the attack at Phoenix, but I had never realized just how vain and selfish and just plain immature her mother really was. Bella continued almost bored with her near death when she was born, when she lacked any way of defending herself.

"Charlie never really knew, Renee always insisted on seeing the doctor herself. One time she got really serious about this guy when I was ten, once he saw me, he wanted a little one of his own. He was extremely possessive and when they both found out that she couldn't have a child because of the complications in my pregnancy they were livid. I had never felt worse about myself in my life…well almost never." I put my head down, I knew she was talking about when I left her.

"From the time I went into third grade till the begging of ninth grade the kids enjoyed teasing me. Nothings a bigger target then being pale in Arizona, especially if you don't stick up for yourself and don't have blonde hair and blue eyes. In ninth grade they finally backed off, only a little though. that's why I don't understand everyone being interested in me at school. It's a blessing to just get by being invisible. Invisibility is my only power, the one that's kept me safe for years. Then I met you and you know the rest." Bella finished lamely, she was such a good person, I leaned down to pepper kisses all over her face and neck. I know she didn't want to cry so I just held her and allowed her to feel my safe arms around her.


End file.
